Boundaries are necessary and important. If we don’t set boundaries people are likely to take advantage and not respect us. The most important thing about boundaries is to be consistent with them. Yes, people won’t like it when you start setting boundaries because they are used to you agreeing and saying yes to everything. However, the more consistent you are the more likely people are to accept the that you are serious about this change you have decided to make in your life. If we do things to please others and make them happy all the time are we happy? It is not realistic to please everyone all the time. There is a difference between acts of kindness and people pleasing. People pleasing prioritizes the needs of others and acts of kindness requires giving to others and considering your own needs. Kindness reflects self-worth, and people pleasing reflects low- self-worth. The more you practice and set boundaries the easier it gets.
Some examples of boundaries include:
emotional
physical
sexual
workplace (protecting our ability to do our work without interference or drama)
material (protecting our personal belongings)
time (protecting the use, and misuse, of our time)
You don’t have to be and are not being mean by setting boundaries. Examples of communication styles are listed below. Some individuals are very passive and do not set boundaries until their cup is full and one day they go from passive to being aggressive. There is so much we can tolerate as human beings. We want to avoid reaching a point where we are so fed up that we lash out and explode. The goal is to find a healthy balance in the middle and be consistently assertive.
Communication Styles
Passive
Compliant, submissive, talks little, vague non- committal communication, puts self down, praises others
“I don’t mind...that’s fine....yes alright”
You’re okay, I’m not
Has no opinion other than that the other person/s are always more important, so it doesn’t matter what they think anyway
Avoids eye contact, looks down, teary, pleading
Makes body smaller – stooped, leaning, hunched shoulders
Together, fidgety, clammy
Give in to others, don’t get what we want or need, self-critical thoughts, miserable
Assertive
Actions and expressions fit with words spoken, firm but polite and clear messages, respectful of self and others
“That’s a good idea, and how about if we did this too...” or “I can see that, but I’d really like...”
I’m okay, you’re okay
Believes or acts as if all the individuals involved are equal, each deserving of respect, and no more entitled than the other to have things done their way
Warm, welcoming, friendly, comfortable eye contact
Relaxed, open, welcoming
Open, friendly and appropriate gestures
Good relationships with others, happy with outcome and to compromise
Saying “no”
Aggressive
Sarcastic, harsh, always right, superior, know it all, interrupts, talks over others, critical, put-downs, patronizing, disrespectful of others
“This is what we’re doing, if you don’t like it, tough”
“I’m okay, you’re not “
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© Carol Vivyan 2009, permission to use for therapy purposes