Written by: Ellie Lauterwasser MA, LCPC, C-DBT
The more we deny emotions the stronger they become. No one likes to feel sad, disappointed, rejected, anxious etc. however the more we avoid the worse it gets. We are human and we all experience negative emotions. Those emotions eventually will come up to the surface and present in other ways. How long can we run away from them before becoming exhausted? Reacting on our emotions can get us in trouble and effect relationships. The change starts with us wanting to take action and gaining control.
We cannot control what emotions come up but we can control what we do with them. We are not powerless. We can learn to regulate these emotions as they become intense. Some individuals experience emotions more intensely than others. A lot of times people are being told “ you shouldn’t feel that way, you are too sensitive” which can lead people to shut down. We are entitled to our emotions. No one can tell us what to feel or not feel. It is essential to not place judgment about having these emotions but rather practice self compassion. It is important to remind ourselves that they are just feelings and they won’t kill us. They are not going anywhere so we might as well learn to not be afraid of them. So, accepting them and allowing them in instead. It is important to name the emotion. It is helpful to recognize physical symptoms as well. At the same time we don’t want to drown in these emotions and spend too much time feeling sorry for ourselves. Allow them in, feel them, name them, and let them go.
Engage in positive self-talk. It is helpful to journal and release your emotions. In therapy we work on helping clients identify emotions and practice sitting with negative emotions in a safe and supportive environment.
Cognitive reappraisal skills may include practices such as thought replacement or situational role reversals. This means looking into a stressful situation from a whole new perspective.
One way of thinking about our emotions is to think of them like the ocean. If you imagine the sea, you might picture it as flat, calm and blue, or as crashing surf, or small rocking waves. Just as the ocean can change, so can our emotions. With the ocean, it is the weather that might cause changes—high winds or still, sunny days can make a difference to how the waves react. A DBT skill you can you is called Riding the Wave. We can let our emotions push us around and move us along—or we can learn how to harness our emotions. We can learn how to float with our feelings, letting them wash over us, or how to surf the big feelings, not letting them crash over us, but taking control, and riding the wave!
Practice:
